


May We Dance?

by Vioxxin



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Filipino Songs Tribute, Foreign Songs, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-16
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-26 15:17:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5009710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vioxxin/pseuds/Vioxxin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Their fingers are too thin, awkwardly interlaced, but it doesn't seem to matter because he can see Hide's teeth as he smiles, feel the heat and sweat from their palms, and Kaneki doesn't know it but he is so, so lucky- to have a heart learn early to love sincerely.</p>
            </blockquote>





	May We Dance?

**Author's Note:**

> _‘Italicized words in single quotes are thoughts.’_
> 
> _“Italicized words in double quotes are lyrics.”_
> 
> i should just change my user name to mindless self indulgence at this point tbh

**♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪**

**May We Dance?**

**♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪**

 

"Tag! You're it!"

 

"No fair! I wasn't ready!"

 

"Hey, I wanna play too!"

 

"Ok! But you have to be the _it_ , got it?"

 

"Sure!"

 

Laughter fills the playground near Kaneki's house, young kids with bright eyes tumbling around the slide and swings. He adjusts his hold on his backpack and watches them play, envies their smiles and carefree nature, the scrapes on their knees, the sweat on their faces. He envies the easy way they speak to each other with eyes and teeth, without the burden of words heavy on tongues, because their bond is just that tight.

 

He wonders if he'll ever get to have that bond with someone else.

  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


School ends and Kaneki trudges home by himself, a sigh on his lips as his classmates rush past him. A number of kids squeal in glee when they are swept up into their parents' embrace, and he is forced to hold back the resentment that silently builds in his heart.

 

His mother is waiting for him at home, and he has to get there early to cook dinner for both of them. It'll be less trouble for her.

 

He is thinking of possible dishes to make  when something up the road makes him stop.

 

"Oh no," he whispers.

 

Just ahead, a group of construction workers block the road. One of them spots him and comes over.

 

"Sorry kid. We have to close this road down for a while," they say apologetically, "Do you know how to get home or should I call your parents?"

 

"N-no! It's fine," Kaneki immediately protests. It'll just be a burden for her, and he is fairly aware of the other roads that lead to their house, "I can do it."

 

"Alright. Stay safe, kid." they reply before turning back to their work. Kaneki hesitates, then walks off dejectedly into the alley next to them.

 

"Why now?" he whispers miserably. If he is late, his mother might not only forget to have dinner, but stress herself more by worrying over him. He doesn't want that. Not at all.

 

At 9, Kaneki no longer feels like a child with the way he worries over her. He hovers behind her at night when she has fallen asleep with her flowers at the table, and drapes her with sheets, rubs the calluses and bones that protrude from her hands and wonder when she has gotten so thin.

  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


"How was school today, Ken? Did you make a new friend?"

 

Kaneki looks up from their meager meal of rice and fish, and offers her a tentative smile.

 

The phrasing is always different but the question is the same.

 

"Not really," he says.

 

His mother's smile dims, "Oh. Well, that's alright. As long as you're doing well."

 

Kaneki nods, and wonders if his answer will ever change as well.

  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

__  
  


The next day, Kaneki follows a different route home. He'd told his mother of the construction work and she'd happily drawn him another road to take.

 

Just as he turns to the first corner, a burst of music begins to play.

 

_"Kamukha mo si... Paraluman,"_

He stops.

 

"What was that?" he wonders. The song continues to play gently, with a melody that is sweet to the ears and warm in the heart. Though he doesn't understand the lyrics, there is something loving and familiar in the singer's tone that compels him to follow it.

 

_"Nung tayo ay bata pa,"_

He whips his head around, trying to find the source of the music and finally sees it. Nestled between two grassy lots is a beautiful house made of wood. It is magnificent in its simplicity and Kaneki thinks it wouldn't look out of place in a fairy tale at all. The doors on the balcony are thrown wide open and he can hear the music play loudly from within, along with the sound of a child clumsily singing along.

 

_"At ang galing-galing mong sumayaw... Mapa-boogie man o cha-cha~"_

The child's voice sounds dissonant with the singer's rougher vocals but...

 

_It's really cute._ Kaneki likes how they sound so happy when they sing, even if they don't hit the right notes and their voice cracks whenever they try to sing too high. Unconsciously, he finds himself moving forward, trying to see if he could catch a glimpse of the other kid.

 

To his surprise, they come. Kaneki panics and ducks behind a nearby tree as the child, a boy, spins out onto the balcony while humming along to the song. Calming his heart, he slowly peeks back out to look at him.

 

_"Ngunit ang paborito... ay ang pagsayaw mo ng El Bimbo!"_

He looks to be around Kaneki's age, face round in youth with slender limbs. His hair is as devastatingly messy as a bird's nest and colored in a shocking shade of yellow with a stray patch of brown that reminds him of a sunflower. Regretfully, it is too far to see his eyes, but Kaneki finds it impossible to miss the way they sparkle with joy.

 

The sun beams down on him and he is glowing, spinning around in his own little world, his hair falling around him like a halo of gold, and singing without a care in the world, innocent and untroubled.

 

_He looks like an angel._

_"Nakaka-indak... nakaka-aliw..."_

A beat.

 

Kaneki flushes and ducks back into the tree, a hand against his chest. He feels his heart thump beneath his hand, a crazed rhythm like the steps the boy is dancing. He slides down the bark and hugs his knees to his chest, overwhelmed by this emotion and the heat in his face as he closes his eyes and burns that smile in his mind for all the times he feels alone.

 

_"Nakaka-tindig balahibo!"_

__  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


The construction work only lasts for two weeks, but Kaneki still finds himself taking the long way home.

 

He has established a routine by now. For five minutes, he allows himself this comfort, this selfish pleasure of letting his mother wait at home for just a bit. He clings to this routine like a lifeline when loneliness starts to take a hold of him more and more each day, eating away at his mind and his heart. He lets that smile kiss his heart in times when he is hurt, because his mother has told him it is better that way, and it starts to work.

 

But it is not enough, and he selfishly wants more.

 

Once again, he finds himself behind the tree, peering carefully at the boy dancing at the balcony. In two weeks, Kaneki learns that he only comes out on three days: Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. The songs he dances to are unusual, varied. The music that flows out of the room is always in a different tongue than the one Kaneki knows, but not unpleasant.

 

Even then, Kaneki finds that the first song is his favorite, and it is also his.

 

_“Pagkagaling sa 'skwela ay didiretso na sa inyo,”_ the boy sings. It never fails to amaze Kaneki how familiar he is with the lyrics. Although he also tries to sing along to other songs, he doesn't fumble as much with this one.

 

Kaneki falls entranced by his voice, and that is his mistake.

 

Distracted, his grip on the bark slackens and he falls.

 

"Oof!" he cries, tumbling down on the grass. The boy abruptly stops singing and Kaneki's face burns in embarrassment.

 

"Are you alright?" he hears. Kaneki sits up, eyes stinging with tears at the scrape on his knee, at the humiliation.

 

_'Idiot! He's going to hate you now. He'll think you're creepy! He's going to tell his parents and mom is going to know and, and-!'_

Sniffling, he stands up, heedless of the injury, and stumbles back away from the house.

 

"Wait! Don't go!"

 

Something hits his head and Kaneki stops in shock, looking down to see a crumpled paper ball. He looks back at the boy and finds wide, apologetic eyes.

 

"Sorry! I just really didn't want you to leave!"

 

"So you hit me with a ball?" Kaneki asks dully.

 

"Well I figured it's just paper, so it wouldn't hurt you!"

 

"But still! Who just goes and throws things at a stranger?! That's rude!"

 

"Well who just comes and watches a stranger dance without even introducing himself? That's even ruder if you ask me," The boy retorts. Kaneki immediately recoils at the remark, woefully reminded of his trespassing.

 

"I-I'm sorry!" he calls back, bowing, "I didn't mean to! I'll leave you alone, I promise! I'll do anything you want! Just please don't tell anyone!"

 

The boy furrows his brows, a hand on his chin as he thinks over Kaneki's proposition, "Anything?"

 

"A-anything," Kaneki relents.

 

The boy grins.

 

"Then dance with me."

  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


"Y-You knew I was there the whole time?"

 

This is humiliating. The boy- _Hide_ \- Kaneki corrects, grins at him mischievously as he puts down the tray he was holding on top of the table.

 

"Weeeell, maybe not that long. Just around last week?"

 

"I'm so sorry-"

 

"It's fine! I don't mind! I love an audience. Makes me perform better," Hide chirps.

 

"It's embarrassing," Kaneki mumbles.

 

"What do you mean?" Hide asks, brows furrowing.

 

"I shouldn't have done that. It was so creepy. I'm horrible," Kaneki hiccups.

 

"But you weren't doing anything bad! You just wanted to see me dance right? I don't blame you. I'm pretty good at it."

 

Kaneki is still sniffling, wholly convinced that he is a terrible person.

 

Gently, Hide leans over and wraps his arms around him.

 

"Hey, don't cry," he murmurs, "You didn't do anything wrong, honest. You just wanted a friend, right?"

 

Kaneki stutters and takes a breath.

 

"Well... I do too," Hide leans back from him, his expression meek. He smiles up shyly at Kaneki, scratching his cheek, "I didn't want to call you out because I was too shy, but I really wanted to be friends with you, so I'm kind of happy that you fell. Not that I wanted you to get hurt or anything, but it makes it easier, you know?"

 

Kaneki is flushing at the words, at the gentle way Hide brushes his fears away.

 

"You can come over here after school, and I'll teach you how to dance some more!" Hide smiles sweetly, another memento Kaneki stores away to cherish even as his mind screams at him to take this chance to have even _more_ , "So will you be my friend?"

 

It is too good to be true.

 

"Okay!"

  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


_“At buong maghapon ay tinuturuan mo ako!”_ The record player sings; blares out his favorite song. Kaneki had marveled at it from the start, intrigued by the device. Hide tells him it is an heirloom that originally belonged to his grandmother.

 

"She passed it down to my mom so it's really precious to her," Hide chatters away, "My mom used to use it sometimes, but she let me use it most of the time. She's actually the one who taught me how to dance!" He beams.

 

"You're really good. She must be proud," says Kaneki. He rubs his fingers against the illustrated guide hidden in the record's cover. It depicts a man and woman dancing to the same steps he remembers Hide move to.

 

Hide hums and nods. He takes the guide from Kaneki, brushes their hands together in a manner that is almost accidental. Kaneki startles, meets his gaze, and Hide grins.

 

"Now let's see what you've got!" He takes Kaneki by the arm and pulls him to the middle of the room despite Kaneki's half-hearted protests. He stands there self-consciously, aware of what they are about to do.

 

Hide joins him after resetting the record. He faces Kaneki and waves his hands in front of him like he is drawing an arch.

 

"Follow my lead," he whispers.

 

They move together side by side, Kaneki gracefully falling into the simple motions of the dance. Hide patiently moves beside him, and soon he is lost in the music, at the melody that slowly rises into its chorus.

 

Suddenly, he feels Hide take one of his hands, carefully moving him so they are face to face.

 

_“Magkahawak ang ating kamay,”_ Hide sings, moving back to the beat of the song, and Kaneki follows him.

 

Their fingers are too thin, awkwardly interlaced, but it doesn't seem to matter because he can see Hide's teeth as he smiles, feel the heat and sweat from their palms, and Kaneki doesn't know it but he is so, _so_ lucky- to have a heart learn early to love sincerely.

 

_“Ng walang kamalay-malay,”_ They raise their hands together to draw an arch in the air and Hide moves back in, his breath warm on Kaneki's face.

 

Kaneki stares into his eyes, traces the curve of his cheeks and the bow of his lips with his gaze.

 

Hide's hand is so warm in his. He curls his fingers tighter, wonders briefly what is blooming so freely in his chest.

 

_“Na tinuruan mo ang puso ko,”_

 

He thinks it's happiness.

 

_“Na umibig ng tunay.”_

__  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


These afternoons become a routine.

 

Kaneki's mother is overjoyed when she finds out, and it softens the guilt that seeps into Kaneki's heart whenever he remembers the time he is taking away from her. She kisses his brow softly, and whispers that all of his happiness is hers.

  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


_"Take my hand, take my whole life too. For I can't help falling in love with you..."_

"You really seem to love foreign songs," Kaneki comments on one of their sessions as the singer's voice fades out.

 

"Yep! I like learning about other cultures!" Hide replies, "That's because someday, when I grow older, I want to go out and explore the world!"

 

His eyes twinkle in pleasure at the thought and Kaneki smiles, infected by his joy "Well, why not do it now? Since you're homeschooled, I'm sure your parents can take you whenever!"

 

At that moment, Kaneki hates himself for dimming that smile.

 

"Yeah, maybe."

  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


"Do you ever listen to Japanese songs?" Kaneki asks. He sits on Hide's bed, homework strewn beside him. Ever since he found out Hide was homeschooled, he'd been talked into bringing it along to help him study.

 

"Not as much, but yeah!" Hide replies. He tilts his head, brows furrowed, "Why do you ask?"

 

"Well," Kaneki flushes, "I, um, I heard this song and I thought you might like it. I mean, it's a little weird, but ah, well, yeah."

 

"Knowing you, it's probably some depressing thing with annoyingly deep lyrics," Hide teases, chuckling when Kaneki rolls his eyes and look away, "Oh c'mon 'Neki! Don't be that way! I'm really, really touched that you would think of me like that."

 

"T-think of you like what?!" Kaneki stutters, "I didn't- don't- just, I- ugh!"

 

"I mean, I'm touched that you would think about me even when you're not here." Hide continues. Kaneki stills, his blush fading as he takes in the lonely curve of Hide's lips.

 

"What do you mean?" he asks, "What about your parents?"

 

Now that he mentions it, Kaneki doesn't remember ever seeing Hide's parents. Ezri, the butler, is the only person he has ever seen in the house aside from Hide. Beside the single mention of his mother passing down the record player, Hide has never divulged their identities to Kaneki.

 

Hide is uncharacteristically silent at the question. He keeps that chilling, lonely smile on his face even as he looks away, and Kaneki begins to regret even asking.

 

"Listen, Hide, you don't have to-"

 

_"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING HERE?!"_

They jolt in surprise, the floor vibrating beneath them as angry shouting fills the room. Confused and somewhat terrified, Kaneki turns to Hide to ask who they were, only to gawk at the open display of fear and sadness on his face.

 

"H-Hide, why are you-?"

 

Ezri chooses that moment to walk in, his eyes immediately flitting to Kaneki.

 

"I apologize for my rudeness, but I need to ask you to stay here in this room," he says.

 

Hide stands up before Kaneki can reply and tugs at Ezri's sleeve.

 

"Is it really them?" he whispers. A cross of pity and frustration crosses Ezri's face as he nods.

 

"I'm afraid so. It seems there was a misunderstanding in terms of... visiting hours. Thankfully, it seems your father is opting to leave instead of continuing this argument. Unfortunately, it's soured your mother's mood, and she might be taking her leave as well."

 

"She won't even come up?"

 

"I will try to convince her otherwise, but I advise you stay here, alright?"

 

"... Okay."

 

It's maddening, the hopeless look on Hide's face. Even without knowing the full details, Kaneki understands, and so he braves the distance between them when Ezri shuts the door and firmly takes his hand.

 

"Kaneki?" Hide looks at him in surprise.

 

"You know that song I mentioned earlier?" Hide nods tentatively, "Well, I might not be great at learning other languages like you, but this one," Kaneki breathes in, "This one I can sing."

 

_"What should I say to you now? How should I get this feeling across?_

_It might take a while, but, hey, I'll give it my best shot."_

Happiness blooms in Kaneki's heart at the beaming grin that Hide gives him. In only seconds, the room is washed of fear and gloom, and Kaneki feels bliss at the thought that he is the cause of that beautiful smile. It gives him courage to continue, even as the words on his tongue make him blush at the weight of its truth.

 

_"Even God must have been surprised 'cause there just isn't any other person quite like you._

_Must have been about the biggest genetic mutation of this century that made you so beautiful."_

__  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


_"Yet, the mommy and daddy of that beautiful you, who were so close their souls seemed stuck together,_

_Are blaming something as insignificant as time for making their one heart into two."_

__  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


One day, Kaneki finds his mother lying still by a bed of iris and cannot wake her up.

  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


At night, the doors to Hide's balcony shines with a gentle, orange light. Kaneki, grim-faced, is ushered up the stairs and into his room by Ezri, where he lets it wash over him.

 

Hide jolts around, takes one look at the quiver in his lips, and runs forward to hug him.

 

"Where have you been?" he exclaims, pulling back to look at him with a pout. Kaneki opens his mouth, chokes, and stops. His arms shake by his side, his hands spreading and closing on thin air.

 

Hide takes them, rubbing the pads of his thumbs over his knuckles until he stops shivering. Kaneki looks back at him, tries to get the words out _[she's gone, Hide, she's gone, she's gone, **she left me** ]_ but they don't come.

 

Instead, the room is filled with a high-pitched keen, a mournful wail he belatedly recognizes as his, as the tears he's held back finally start to spill. Hide opens his arms and catches him in his chest, a comforting hand on his back as Kaneki gasps and shudders in the folds of his shirt.

 

_'Stop it. Stop it. You're getting him wet. You're so disgusting and pathetic. He's only doing this because he feels sorry for you.'_

"Hey, hey," Hide's voice pulls him out, and he stares into his face, forces himself to focus on the light in front of his eyes, "Come with me to the couch, 'Neki. I just found this new song and I really think you'd like it. I even learned to sing it just for you!"

 

Heat behind his eyes and cheeks, Kaneki can only nod and let himself be led to the sofa. Despite the self-torment in his mind, Kaneki refuses to let go of Hide's shirt until Hide grips his hands in his and untangles his fingers. Something in Kaneki starts to panic at the action and his breathing hitches _[no don't go, please don't, don't leave me too]_ until Hide squeezes his fingers in his hand, heat seeping between them.

 

"Here, sit beside me," Hide coaxes, guiding him by the hand next to his side. Kaneki follows him, now dully aware of the sting in his eyes and his stuffy nose. He sniffles, his chest still wracked with sharp, uneven breaths that slowly start to die out as Hide coaxes his head on his shoulder after switching open the radio beside them.

 

The music that fills the spaces between them is... sad. While Hide has sometimes indulged Kaneki in singing and dancing to slower songs, there is something lonelier about this song.

 

_"Sa hindi inaaasahang pagtatagpo ng mga mundo,_

_May minsan lang na nagdugtong, damang dama na ang ugong nito..._

_Di pa ba sapat ang sakit at lahat na hinding hindi ko ipararanas sa'yo?_

_Ibinubunyag ka ng iyong matang sumisigaw ng pag-sinta..."_

 

Seconds in, he recognizes the language it is sung in as the same one used in their song, and it feels just as sweet, just as familiar. Ironically, he feels less lonely as he listens, lost in its sadness and the feeling of Hide's fingers entangled with his, his voice crooning words only they could understand.

 

_"Ikaw ang hantungan, at bilang kanlungan mo,_

_Ako ang sasagip sa'yo..."_

 

_'My...home?,'_ Kaneki thinks, his eyelids slipping shut as he is lulled to sleep. Defiant, he looks up through his lashes and watches Hide sing, follows the silhouettes painted on his face by the warming light. Hide strokes his hair, eyes closed in concentration, and Kaneki finally lets himself fall, safe in the knowledge that he is here in his arms.

 

_'Yes. My home.'_

 

Lost to sleep, he misses the longing smile on Hide's face.

 

_"Ba't di pa sabihin ang hindi mo maamin?_

_Ipauubaya na lang ba 'to sa hangin?_

_'Wag mong ikatakot ang bulong ng damdamin mo_

_Naririto ako't nakikinig saýo..."_

  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


Without any other living relatives, Kaneki is given to his aunt. She takes him in with open arms, blubbers about how sorry she is over the loss of his mother, and swears to raise him the best she can to make up for it.

 

In a house filled with people, Kaneki feels lonelier than ever.

  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


"Ken?"

 

"Yes?"

 

"Where are you going?"

 

Kaneki pauses, dropping the laces of his shoe as he turns to regard his aunt, "I'm going to visit my friend."

 

"You mean Hide?" Something sour taints her tone at Hide's name.

 

"Y-yeah."

 

"Don't you have any other friends? You seem to be visiting this boy a lot."

 

"Well, yes, but I don't really have anything to do there."

 

"Oh? So what exactly do you two do at his house?"

 

Kaneki grows rigid at the implications in her tone, "What do you mean?"

 

"Do his parents know about this?" she continues.

 

"About what? We're just hanging out together!" Kaneki argues.

 

"Why are you getting so defensive, huh?" she retorts.

 

" _Because you're being nosy!_ " Kaneki snaps. His aunt gapes, unused to his anger, and Kaneki takes this time to leave, already in desperate need to see Hide again.

  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


_"Wise men say, only fools rush in,"_

"Hide?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Do your parents know I come here a lot?"

 

Hide pauses, dropping his arms from its hold on Kaneki's hands, "Well, no. I never really got the chance to tell them, and they don't come here a lot either."

 

"D-Do you think they'd be okay with me?"

 

"Hm? What do you mean, silly 'neki?"

 

"I mean, I come over here a lot, don't you think?"

 

"Yeah, you just said that. I don't really see what the problem is. Do you not enjoy my company?" Hide pouts, still swaying slightly to the song.

 

"Isn't it weird? For two boys to spend so much time together?"

 

"Why would it be weird?" Hide asks.

 

"I-I don't know!" Kaneki pouts, an angry furrow in his brows, "I mean, don't people usually think it's weird?"

 

"I don't." Hide replies.

 

"You don't count Hide. You are weird."

 

"Ouch! What is up with you today, 'Neki? You are very strange and sassy today. Well, moreso than usual." Hide teases.

 

"Just..." Kaneki sighs, "When people choose to spend a lot of time together, it usually means they have feelings for each other."

 

"Feelings?"

 

"L-Like... affection,"

 

_"But I can't help falling in love with you,"_

"Like love?"

 

Kaneki's face explodes with color at the word, "Y-yeah! Like love!"

 

"Well then there's your answer!" Hide beams, "I like to spend a lot of time with you because I love you Kaneki!"

 

Oh God, Kaneki's face is overheating, "Hide you can't just say something like that out of the blue!"

 

"Why not? I love you Kaneki," Hide blinks.

 

"It's embarrassing!"

 

"You're the weird one, Kaneki!" Hide laughs, "What's so embarrassing about loving someone else? It makes you happy, doesn't it?"

 

"Well, yeah..." Kaneki mumbles.

 

"Hey, Kaneki?"

 

"Yes?"

 

"Do I make you happy?"

 

Kaneki meets Hide's eyes, intent on scolding him for all the embarrassing remarks, but the loneliness and sincerity he finds make the words catch in his throat.

 

"I..." he gulps.

 

"Y-yeah, Hide. You do."

  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


"I-Is this really the only one?"

 

"Mhm. We didn't receive anything else. But oh, Ken-kun, why the glum face? Shouldn't you be happy that they accepted you?"

 

"I..."

 

"Now don't worry about anything else. I've already talked with your uncle and we're going to arrange for everything you'll need. So cheer up!"

 

"..."

_'...we're going to arrange for everything you'll need...'_

_'... no. you won't..._

**_you can't.'_ **

****__  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


Hide is not his only friend, but Kaneki likes him the most.

 

It is Hide who fills his thoughts through the day; the first and the last to be in his mind.

 

It is Hide who is the first to know.

 

"I mean, I always knew you were a bookworm but this is freaking amazing! I'm so proud of you dude!"

 

The acceptance letter Kamii has sent him is lying on the table. Its edges are wet with the water that seeps out from under his glass but Kaneki couldn't care less.

 

"You know what this means, right?" he asks softly.

 

"Kaneki, I might be homeschooled, but even I know how hard it is to get in that place."

 

"That's not what I mean," Kaneki insists. He tries to catch Hide's eye but he refuses to look away from the record he's holding.

 

"Hide," Kaneki calls out softly, "Kamii isn't near. My aunt and I... we've already arranged for me to live in a dorm nearby."

 

"That's great! That means you can spend your extra fare money to buy the giant bookshelf you're gonna want for your dorm." Hide laughs to himself, but the sound is dim and Kaneki feels frustrated at his carelessness, at the way he is still trying to deny what they both know.

 

"Hide, _I won't be able to see you anymore!_ " Kaneki screams.

 

The table rattles when he stands up and their cups fall. He breathes, meets the tired smile on Hide's face, and feels something within him numb at its dullness.

 

"I know," Hide replies. He stands up with him and takes Kaneki's arm, gently leading him to the middle of the room.

 

"Hide?" Kaneki tries pitifully. Hide moves to the player and slips in a record that Kaneki hasn't seen in six years.

 

Still, the melody that plays evokes a familiar feeling of sincerity and love.

 

_“Naninigas ang aking katawan, 'pag umikot na ang plaka,”_

He stands there self-consciously, his hands limp as Hide moves to fit them with his.

 

"I want you to know that it doesn't matter," Hide says. Kaneki moves with him without even thinking. They have danced this dance for so long that it's ingrained into his very bones.

 

"I don't want to leave you," he whispers. They sway gently with the song and he leads Hide out of his arms, watches the careless sway of his hips as he moves.

 

_“Patay sa kembot ng bewang mo,”_

"It doesn't matter," Hide insists. He moves them together until Kaneki's hand falls by his waist and they are pressed side by side, his hands tucked under Kaneki's. Kaneki turns his head to look at him and remembers the boy he first saw dancing in the balcony window, reckless and free. He remembers eyes that burned so fiercely with the light of youth and happiness, and a strength that spoke volumes of a boy who was trapped in a house by his overbearing parents.

 

_“At sa pungaw ng iyong mga mata.”_

"Even if we don't see each other often anymore," Hide continues, "You'll always be in my heart."

 

Kaneki remembers that boy and compares him to this man, who exists in Kaneki's heart as an emotion.

 

_“Lumiliwanag ang buhay,”_

"That's so cheesy," Kaneki chokes out. Hide grins at him and holds up his hand and Kaneki gladly twirls him into his arms until his back is pressed against his chest. He buries his face into that soft, golden hair and drowns in the scent of cinnamon and sunshine until his body is shuddering with sobs.

 

_“Habang tayo'y magka-akbay,”_

Hide lets him cry as they continue to sway together. He tucks his head in Kaneki's neck and hums the song, and Kaneki squeezes the hands in his arms, because there is a seed in his heart but it's no longer a sapling and he doesn't know what it is.

 

[He's not ready to accept what he knows it is.]

 

He holds out his arm and Hide follows the movement, gracefully spinning out of his embrace until they are face to face. They hold up their arms across each other and cross; Kaneki's hand falling on Hide's shoulder as Hide's falls on his.

 

_“At dahan-dahang, dumudulas,”_

They step back and move away, their hands sliding across each other's arms. The skin beneath his fingertips is smooth, and Kaneki draws out the motion. Hide looks at him, starlight in his eyes. Kaneki looks at those eyes, and obediently loves them.

 

_“Ang kamay ko, sa makinis mong braso, ooh.”_

His hand stutters when it's time to pull away.

 

Hide doesn't say anything when he is roughly pulled back into Kaneki's embrace. He only smiles, a lonely light in his eyes that is mirrored by the moon, who he continues to love and fall for, even after eight years.

 

"It doesn't mean I won't miss you Ken, so write me always, okay?"

  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


The dorm he moves into is lonely.

 

[Instead of the bookshelf, he stops by an antique store and buys an old record player.]

 

His days are cold.

 

[Instead of a book, he scours the shops and the internet for a record until he finds one tucked away in a small, discreet music store.]

 

Music blares out in his bedroom and it accompanies him through the night; lying in bed with books sprawled around him and an empty look in his eyes because there is no one to dance with.

 

_“Sana noon pa man ay sinabi ko sa iyo,”_

Kaneki remembers a time when he is six, when he is required to dance for the play he is cast in. He remembers the steps he was taught by the teacher, by his partner, by his mother.

 

He remembers Hide, an eager smile in his eyes, on his lips, as he offers to teach Kaneki a dance he already knew.

 

Most of all, he remembers the gentle and innocent desire that sprouts in his heart and prompts him to say 'yes'.

 

_“Kahit hindi na uso ay ito lang ang alam ko!”_ he sings, and laughs, loud and watery until he is sobbing and wishing he could just go back and tell Hide why he'd wanted to dance, beg for forgiveness at how long it took him to realize it because _he is a coward but he still wants the sun._

__  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


"I just wanted to hold your hands."

  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


When he isn't burdened by assignments, Kaneki writes letters like he promises. Reading them aloud, the words feel stiff in his mouth. Formal. Safe to see.

 

Even then, there is no reply.

 

[He keeps the words he truly means in colorful stationary he knows Hide would love, and hides them in a box that is slowly growing full.]

  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


Years pass.

 

In the span of two, he meets a girl.

 

She asks him out, and he tells himself he can learn to love her too.

 

[ _“Magkahawak ang ating kamay, ng walang kamalay-malay,”_

 

"I don't like that song," she says, her nose wrinkling, "What an ugly language. Could you put something else on, please?" ]

 

He is disgusted with himself when he finds his eyes wander to everything below her lips, because there is nothing in her face or her words that calls for his heart.

 

[ _“Na tinuruan mo ang puso ko, na umibig ng tunay,”_

 

"Alright," Kaneki says. ]

 

She takes his hand as they walk home and her fingers are cold like ice.

 

Vindictively, he thinks it fits with her ugly heart.

 

It is only right that she is the one to turn him into a monster.

  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


Kaneki lifts his hand in the air and stares. Pale with black nails.

 

He flexes his fingers and tries to remember the feeling of another hand against his, of more fingers between his.

 

Of warmth. Of safety.

 

Instead he feels the sensation of metal, and slams his hand against the wall with a growl.

  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


As hard as he tries, there is no smile to hold on to in his heart.

 

[As deep as he digs, there is no trace of beauty left in himself, is there?]

 

Still, there is no forgetting a song, even if its meaning has been lost in his pain, and he finds himself humming it softly on an idle, snowy day as he waits for the rest of his squad to return.

 

"Big brother? What are you singing?"

 

Kaneki turns his head away from the window in surprise, and offers Hinami a gentle smile, "Nothing Hinami. Just an old song I used to like."

 

"What language is it in? It didn't sound Japanese." Hinami asks curiously. Kaneki chuckles at her obvious eagerness to learn, and hums.

 

"Ah, let's see, what was it again?" He frowns, "I... I can't remember. I'm sorry."

 

Hinami pouts, "Well, do you know what it means?"

 

"Of course. Would you like to know?" Kaneki asks. Hinami grins and nods excitedly, "Mhm!", taking her place across him as they both stare out into the snow.

 

"Well, it's a song about love. The singer narrates the story of how he met a girl who loved to dance. Enchanted, and eager to spend time with her, he agrees to come to her house after school every day just to learn a dance he already knew."

 

"He already knew?" Hinami gasps.

 

"Yes. Of course, dancing with her meant holding her hands, and this innocent little thing led to him falling in love with her. Unfortunately, they were separated. They grew apart but he still loved her and sought her out. Unfortunately, he learns that she has died, and mourns that he will only be able to dance with her again in his dreams."

 

"That's so sad," Hinami whispers, "Why didn't he just tell her he loved her before?"

 

"Well, maybe he was scared..."

 

"Why would he be scared?"

 

"Maybe... maybe he was scared that he wasn't allowed to love her, because he didn't deserve her." Kaneki says slowly, watching as a fierce light enters her eyes.

 

"That's horrible," Hinami sniffles, tiny fists clenched in the lap of her dress.

 

"No one should ever be scared to love someone else."

  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫• ♪

 

 

Kaneki stays by the window, awash in the light of the full moon. The calm, even breathing of his tiny, ragtag group fills the house but still, he is lonely.

 

"Was I wrong?" he whispers.

  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


"Was I wrong to think you wouldn't love me back?"

  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


"Young man, what are you doing?"

 

Kaneki looks down at the woman staring at him from the opposite house, a hand over her gaping mouth.

 

"Ah, I was just looking for someone," he replies, adjusting his grip on the branch. From up here, he can see the doors to the balcony are barred and it prompts him to ask her, "What happened to the people living here?"

 

"T-They moved away," she replies.

 

"Why?"

 

She looks at him, something like pity and sadness amidst the fear in her eyes, and Kaneki feels his grip slacken.

 

"Their son... he tried to run away from home,"

 

"Run... away?" Kaneki says numbly. The branch underneath him starts to crack, "What...happened to him?"

 

"He got hit by a car."

 

The branch finally gives way to his weight and Kaneki feels himself fall. The lady screams, but it is the words she says before it that echoes in his mind.

 

"He's dead."

 

Kaneki looks up at the sky but there is no one to meet his gaze.

  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


She gives him an address when she is sure he is not suffering from any injuries and tells him to be safe.

 

_'It happened not too long ago, so it should still be there.'_

Kaneki doesn't know why she bothers. Even if he had, he wouldn't feel it.

 

He is numb as he runs to the cemetery.

  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


Hide's grave is bare, recently cleaned. A closer look at the grass beside it reveals stray petals and candle wax, little remnants of mourning that couldn't be swept away.

 

Kaneki drops to his knees.

 

Grass stains his jeans as he crawls, staining the ground with his tears as he grasps the headstone. The cold bites into his hands, nips harshly at his skin and it is nothing like the gentle warmth of Hide's hands.

 

"Dance with me," Kaneki whispers, "Won't you dance with me, please? I've been practicing, even while I was gone. So please, dance with me."

 

Snow falls gently from the sky. The cemetery is quiet, and he is the only one there.

 

"Please, Hide?"

 

Kaneki grabs the headstone even harder, crawls even closer until he is cradling it in his arms, wheezing and choking on his own tears.

 

"HIDE, I LOVE YOU!" He yells desperately, "I LOVE YOU! PLEASE COME BACK!" For the first time in his life, Kaneki doesn't care if he's being a nuisance. He doesn't care if he is bothering someone with his shouts, if he's being judged, if he is doing something he is not allowed to do, "I'M SORRY I DIDN'T TELL YOU! I'M SORRY THAT I LIED TO YOU! I JUST WANTED A REASON TO BE WITH YOU! SO PLEASE!"

 

He sobs.

 

"Please come back... _I miss you_..."

  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


"Kaneki, wake up."

 

Kaneki feels someone softly touch his shoulder. He lazily opens his eyes,

 

and stares into Hide's own.

 

"H-Hide?!" he yells. Hide grins but before he can say anything, Kaneki pulls him to his chest and buries his head by his neck, sobbing.

 

"H-Hide... Hide," Kaneki cries, "I-I m-missed you s-so m-much. I'm s-sorry I left. I never should have- I- I-!"

 

"Kaneki!" Firm hands grasp him by the shoulder and Hide pulls back to look him in the eyes. Even now, they are as bright and beautiful as he knows them to be, and Kaneki's sobs subside in his arms.

 

"What did I tell you? Don't cry." Hide soothes.

 

"But I-" Kaneki gasps.

 

"You didn't do anything wrong," Hide murmurs, "You were just scared, right?"

 

Kaneki looks back at him dumbly, a feeling of deja vu creeping up his senses.

 

"Well, to be honest, I was too," Hide smiles with a tilt of his head, "I... I'm sorry I couldn't reply to your letters. I wanted to, I really did, but I was scared too. I was scared they wouldn't let me love you," Hide's eyes mist over, "So I ran." He grins shakily.

 

"And then, I heard them. They told me they didn't care. They told me they were sorry that they couldn't be there, that they didn't let me feel I could tell them about you," Hide strokes his cheek, gently wipes his tears away, "They said they want to meet you, Ken."

 

"I want to stay with you," Kaneki breathes out.

 

"I do too," Hide replies, "But you can't. You don't belong here, 'neki. I'll take you home, okay?"

 

"You are my home!" Kaneki cries out, his hands coming up to clutch Hide's shoulders.

 

"This is only a dream," Hide chokes out, sweeping his arms as he lets the illusion of his room fade away.

 

_"Then let's dream these dreams forever,"_ Kaneki sings, Hide's eyes growing when he recognizes the very first song Kaneki had ever sung to him, _"Let's just decide once and for all that it's fine if we never wake up."_

 

"We can't do that. You need to wake up, Kaneki!" Hide insists.

 

Warm, yellow light falls around them, as something short and ticklish grows beneath his knees. Kaneki looks around him and sees that they are now in an open field of flowers. He looks at Hide and savors the look of awe on his face.

 

_"Since people say that 'It's only after you wake up that you call it a dream, right?', then let's give it some other name."_ Kaneki continues, his hands sliding down to holds Hide's hands. He twines their fingers together and holds them up to his face, whispering, "Sing with me."

 

_"When 'you' is written, read it "LO", and when 'me' is written, let's read it "VE". If we do that, it looks like you and me will never be apart, right? Someday, I'm gonna write a song like that!"_

Hide smiles at that, laughter starting to bubble up in his chest as Kaneki pulls them both up.

 

"Then dance with me."

 

_"People try to call you and I happening on each other a miracle, but with everything that happens on this miracle-born star, anything other than a miracle would be impossible, right?"_ Hide sings and looks at Kaneki, beaming. They pull each other closer and then they push apart, their hands untangling as Hide spins out and continues the song.

 

_"Even if you keep on insisting that according to that Chinese Six Star Astrology or to some apocalytic prophecies, I'm a tree-type person from Jupiter and you're a fire-type from Mars or whatever, I'm still just an Earthling!"_ Hide shouts, slapping a hand over his chest in mock pride as Kaneki laughs and pulls him back into his arms.

 

_"Well, suppose I really was a Jovian,"_ Hide says, pinching Kaneki's cheek, _"I mean, it's just a couple of planets over, right?"_ He grins mischievously at the glare he receives, _"I'd just use that once in a lifetime warp to come here!"_

 

_"You and I happened on each other -- I want to believe in miracles."_ Kaneki sings, abruptly dipping him down and delighting in Hide's surprised shout, _"Whether you and I happening on each other is a miracle or whatever else, thank you all the same."_ He leans down, a soft smile on his face as Hide looks back up at him.

 

_"Because you say ( **because I say)** it's a miracle **(it's a miracle)** , it's so beautiful, **(it's so wonderful.)** "_ they finish, their voices echoing in the empty space that has now begun to fall apart around them.

 

"Kaneki?" Hide whispers.

 

"Yes?"

 

"What are these flowers called?"

 

Kaneki looks down and finds their feet encased in a sea of red.

 

"...Spider lilies. They're called spider lilies, Hide."

 

"They're pretty, like you," Hide grins.

 

Like you.

 

"Hide?" Kaneki whispers.

 

"Yeah?"

 

Kaneki smiles, tears brimming in his eyes.

 

This is goodbye.

 

"Thank you."

  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


_"It is said that spider lilies bloom along the path of departing lovers. Companions who, for one reason or another, are destined never to meet again."_

__  
  


♪ • ♫ •♪• ♫ • ♪

  
  


"Akemi."

 

A tall, brunette woman stands over a grave, her hands clasped in prayer. She turns at the sound of the voice and regards the dark-haired man across her.

 

"Daiki."

 

He looks at the grave she is praying over and sees a single, white rose on top of a box brimming with colorful letters.

 

"Did you leave this box here?"

 

"No," she replies, a hand over her lips, "I... I think it might have been _his_."

 

"Did you see him?"

 

"I'm afraid not," She shakes her head, "But that's alright. We'll be seeing him later this week for tea, right?" She beams.

 

"Of course," he replies, a fond smile on his face as he takes his place beside her, "By the way, may I ask you something?"

 

"What is it?"

 

"What does this rose mean?"

 

Akemi looks at her husband, a bittersweet smile on her lips.

 

"I don't think you need me to answer that, love."

**Author's Note:**

> a single white rose in full bloom means "i still love you". :)
> 
> please comment! i'd love to hear your thoughts on this since it's the longest one-shot i've ever written and i was pretty much sick when it was being written. lots of love and effort were put into this so all i ask is for your thoughts. <3 thank you!
> 
> ~~this was supposed to have been finished in august damn look at me~~
> 
> anyway here are the songs used!
> 
> [main] ang huling el bimbo - eraserheads (english translation can be found in wikipedia)  
> [comfort scene] tadhana - up dharma down (english translation [ here](http://thedaywriter.blogspot.com/2010/09/tadhana-fate-up-dharma-down-my-own.html))  
> [japanese song] futarigoto - radwimps (english translation by ryuusei7)  
> [english song] can't help falling in love with you - elvis presley
> 
> this is dedicated to the people who could understand the song lyrics without it being translated. happy super belated buwan ng wika!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [May We Dance? Fan Art](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5967418) by [KanekiVargas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KanekiVargas/pseuds/KanekiVargas)




End file.
